Parshas Vayeira: The Secret of Shalom Bayis – Family Harmony:

“And they (the angels) said unto him (Abraham): 'Where is Sarah thy wife?' And he said: 'Behold, in the tent.' And He said: 'I will certainly return unto thee when the season cometh round; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son.' And Sarah heard in the tent door, which was behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, and well stricken in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women. And Sarah laughed within herself, saying: 'After I have withered shall I again have clear skin?' ‘And my husband is old! And the L-rd said unto Abraham: 'why is it that Sarah laughed, saying: ‘Is it even true that I shall give birth, though I have aged?’ (Genesis 18:9-13)

The Talmud (Bava Metzia 87a) asks why the angels inquired as to Sarah’s whereabouts. They were well aware that Sarah was in the tent? The Talmud answers: to make her more beloved to Abraham by stressing her modest qualities. The Talmud then notes another peculiarity in the verse. Sarah laughed at the notion that she could bear children despite both her and Abraham’s advanced age. When G-d confronted Abraham about Sarah’s lack of optimism, G-d only stated that Sarah laughed due to her own age, and neglected to mention the added factor of Abraham’s age. (See Nachmanides) The Talmud explains that Shalom, harmony is so important, that G-d went so far as to state a half-truth, in order to preserve the family harmony.
This seems somewhat odd. Abraham and Sara had attained the spiritual level of angels, and they were well past the honeymoon stage. Abraham himself expressed that his advanced age might preclude his ability to beget children. Nevertheless, the angels saw fit to bring even more Shalom into their home. And even more shockingly, G-d deviated from the facts in order to prevent even the slightest amount of discord from occurring.

Abraham and Sarah were the first Jewish couple; therefore the Torah deems it necessary to stress right at the beginning of our destiny, the central role that Shalom Bayis has in Judaism.

To what degree is Shalom Bayis vital to G-d?

The Talmud (Sota 53b) relates that G-d even allows the Divine Name to be erased in order to restore marital harmony. In the unfortunate event of marriage dissolution, the altar itself [symbolically] sheds tears. (Talmud Gitin 90b)

Aaron Hakohen, the High Priest, who was appointed to serve G-d at the highest spiritual level, spent much of his precious time counseling couples. At his funeral, 80,000 young men who had been named Aharon by their parents in gratitude for restoring their Shalom Bayis, accompanied his bier. (Kallah Rabasi 3)

Why is G-d so invested in Shalom Bayis?

Our Sages tell us, "If there is no peace, there is nothing, as peace is worth everything.” (Toras Cohanim Bechukosai 26:6) Shalom, is actually one of G-d’s names (Talmud Shabbos 10b), and therefore the Talmud (Berachos 54a) promulgates that we say “Shalom Aleichem” as our greeting. We must greet our fellow man with the name of G-d, and so we wish them a G-dly peace.

Rabbi Menachem Meiri (1249 – c. 1310) (Berachos 64a) explains that although the word Shalom means peace, the deeper meaning is “shleimus”, completion. When peace reigns, one is drawn closer to spiritual wholesomeness. A Jewish home is a place where the Divine Spirit rests. The Talmud states "ish ve'isha zachu, shechina beineihem," “If a couple is meritorious, the Divine Spirit rests among them.” (Sota 17) As long as G-d is welcomed into the union, there is hope. The second the union becomes G-dless, a conflagration ensues.

How is G-d welcomed in? The Talmud says that as long as peace and tranquility is present, G-d will join. This Talmudic passage is sending a very powerful message. Every addition of Shalom brings more G-dliness into the world. Shalom does not mean having a truce. Shalom is harmony created through spiritual completion.

A woman commented to her friend "My marriage is great. My husband is overseas half the year and I also travel a lot, so we don't really get in each others way!" What a beautiful marriage! That lady had no idea what true Shalom means.

To get a better idea of practical manifestations of Shalom Bayis, let us examine some of the marriages of contemporary Rabbis.

At the end of Rabbi Joseph Ber Soloveitchik’s (1903-1993) active life, a young single man served as his attendant. One afternoon, Rabbi Soloveitchik noticed the young man all dressed up for a date, but his sneakers didn’t quite match his formal attire. The rabbi told him to switch to shoes. The fellow explained that he couldn't wear his white socks with black dress shoes. Rabbi Soloveitchik told him to get black or blue socks from his (Rabbi Soloveitchik’s) drawer. The young man then realized that the Rabbi Soloveitchik only wore white socks with his formal attire. The fellow built up the courage to ask him about the seeming hypocrisy! He answered "The reason why I wear white socks is since my wife could not see well, I didn’t want to trouble her to find matching socks to my clothes!"

Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach (1900-1995) would have a bite of cake before returning home in the evening so as not to come home hungry and in a sour mood!

Rabbi Alter Twersky, was dying of pancreatic cancer. He asked his son if Chemotherapy would help. They both agreed that it was not worth enduring another round because it is so painful, and it would surely not help the outcome. Afterwards his wife and the doctor recommended chemo. He agreed to undergo treatment. He explained to his son that he only did it so that his wife would not feel guilty that she didn’t do enough. That's love! That’s Shalom!

How do we achieve the harmony of Shalom Bayis and Shalom in general?
The Torah states "And you shall not be like Korach and his congregation" (Numbers 17:5). Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik (1853-1918) explains this verse as both a commandment and an assurance. Never again will there be an argument in which one side is 100% wrong like Korach. There will always be blame on both sides. Our job is to take blame, and make amends! If we realize this reality, it will prevent a lot of unnecessary friction.

The Talmud (Eiruvin 13b) remarks that in the event of a Halachic argument between the study hall of Shamai (Beis Shamai) and the study hall of Hillel (Beis Hillel), the law follows Beis Hillel. Beis Hillel merited that distinction because not only would they study Beis Shamai's view in addition to their own view, they would even open their discussion with Beis Shamai's opinion.

Beis Hillel knew the secret to receiving G-d’s blessing. They always tried to see the other side of the story. If only people would find it easier to reconcile their differences, the world would be a much better place. That is only the first step. The second step is to learn from the models of Aaron Hakohen, Rabbi J.B. Soloveitchik, Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Aurbach, and Rabbi Twerky. We must place Shalom at the top of our priorities.

May we all merit the priestly blessing of “Yisa H-shem panav ailecha viyaseim licha Shalom”, “May G-d turn His countenance to us and establish for us peace!”